I have this wall or barrier that is protecting my heart for so long that I don’t know how to just let loose and let people in. I have been stung by people in the past and the more I got stung the taller and thicker the barrier got. It has been a very long time that I have opened up and shared my inner thoughts with someone that could hold the key to my heart that I forget how stressful it can be. See it has been a long time since I have met someone that I wanted to break down the barrier of my heart and let them see it all. Just bare it out there and go for the ride. I have forgotten how. Hanging out with Dan has showed me that it is ok to be my goofy plain old self and just to let lose. He gets my humor; he is soooo sweet, kind and hopefully loyal. I know that we have only been hanging out for two weeks but I think I could let myself get lost in him but in a good way. He would still allow me to be me and to not stray from what I am accomplishing in my life just to appease him. But he has mentioned a couple of times that he is not the commitment type of guy and my instincts are telling me to ride it out and hope for the best but my heart is saying run and run fast. You don’t have time in your life to get hurt. And honestly I do not know if I could take another rejection whether it is mutual or not it still feels like rejection. This man gets my jokes and my humor and he actually laughs at them with me. I surprise him and oh boy does he surprise me. I tend to smother the ones I love and I don’t want to fuck it up before it ever begins. Been told many times that is my problem but I cannot help that he is ALWAYS on my mind and the thought of being in his arms just thrills me to no end. I was never one for cuddling or falling asleep in ones arms but to feel his weight pressed up against me makes me feel so safe and not claustrophobic. I have always put the sexual needs and wants first before the intellect and emotional needs. With Dan it is like a package all wrapped into one huge Christmas present waiting to be unwrapped multiple times. For once it is not all about the SEX and it is all about getting to know him and his wants and likes and dislikes. I actually take time to learn about him and to study him and listen for flocculation’s in his voice and will tune me into what he wants. I know two weeks come on Heather get a clue but if anything I am good at reading body language spoken and unspoken. I want this to work out and I know that is already way too much to ask for so early in the game but this is how I feel and it is safe to post it on here as only a select few who know me know about it. Well ok like only two people lol. But here is the thing I am so scared to let it all hang out but I am in fear if I don’t let it than I might lose someone that could be that special someone. He might just be that gem that I have been searching for all my life. In the past I have felt the same how can I trust myself another time to allow myself to hurt. I don’t want to get hurt and I understand that in order for anything grand to happen you have to give more of yourself than you’re willing but how far do I go??? God I hate being a girl sometimes. Why are we like the way we are??????Heather
