Dumping Ground

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through the life you call yours?  I mean sure you’re going to school for education trying to find that career you fit just right into or just trying to find your true self.  Or that no matter what you do you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, compassionate enough?  When you think you are on the right path half way in the middle you start second guessing your decisions?  Do we do this because we are afraid of actually accomplishing something?  To accomplish something does that mean we are stuck in that role forever?  Isn’t the same thing as just doing nothing with yourself? How is it some people just know what they want to do with their lives while others just float through it? I am worried that I will not be good enough to do what I am trying to accomplish and I am starting to have doubts about my intelligence.  I have never felt passion in my life true passion.  Nothing pulls at me, speaks to me, and makes me have tingles in my belly.  Fuck I barely have a passion for life anymore.  It is sometimes soooo hard to be me.  I often wonder how it would to be someone else.  To live in their shoes for one day would it be better or just like mine. 

I am a hermit by nature or it might be by nurture either way I like to be alone and I do not like being the center of attention.  Even though I am this person that likes to be alone I also want companionship.  I know call me a fickle girl I know I am.  My close friend calls me for EVERYTHING and sometimes it is nice but other times it just wears me down.  But then I remember if it was not for her I would not have gotten through the hard times in my life.  Friends are good to have and I know I need to branch out and get some more but the making friends is really hard for me.  I am always misunderstood by people because I do not know how to talk to people.  I am truly lazy and impatient I want things to happen now I don’t know how to wait for it.  I have to admit that the past year I have actually stuck with school this time around but I have two more years and I already feel the pressure I put on myself straining me.  I want some space but to be honest maybe I have too much space already.  When I am crazy busy I am happy and when I have so much down time I get really really depressed.  I do not know how to fix this depression.  I would go see my shrink but she costs me money and I just cannot afford it… I cannot afford anything at the moment but yet I spend money the second I get it……..  God I need some balance in my life and I just do not know how to obtain it.  The more I think about it the more depressed I get.  How do you change bad habits that have been a part of your entire life?????????????????????????????? 

Do you really have to run away from home to really get to know the person you want to be?  To move somewhere where you only have yourself to depend on really depend on and nothing is familiar to you.  That it is make it or not it is only up to you????How can I change? How do I know what I am currently doing is the right thing? How can I make myself better at what I am currently doing? How can I be more compassionate to others around me? How can one get organized? How can one get their depression eating under control? How can one not wear their emotions on their sleeve? How can I like myself more? HOW???? Thanks for letting me vent.