Dumping Ground

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through the life you call yours?  I mean sure you’re going to school for education trying to find that career you fit just right into or just trying to find your true self.  Or that no matter what you do you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, compassionate enough?  When you think you are on the right path half way in the middle you start second guessing your decisions?  Do we do this because we are afraid of actually accomplishing something?  To accomplish something does that mean we are stuck in that role forever?  Isn’t the same thing as just doing nothing with yourself? How is it some people just know what they want to do with their lives while others just float through it? I am worried that I will not be good enough to do what I am trying to accomplish and I am starting to have doubts about my intelligence.  I have never felt passion in my life true passion.  Nothing pulls at me, speaks to me, and makes me have tingles in my belly.  Fuck I barely have a passion for life anymore.  It is sometimes soooo hard to be me.  I often wonder how it would to be someone else.  To live in their shoes for one day would it be better or just like mine. 

I am a hermit by nature or it might be by nurture either way I like to be alone and I do not like being the center of attention.  Even though I am this person that likes to be alone I also want companionship.  I know call me a fickle girl I know I am.  My close friend calls me for EVERYTHING and sometimes it is nice but other times it just wears me down.  But then I remember if it was not for her I would not have gotten through the hard times in my life.  Friends are good to have and I know I need to branch out and get some more but the making friends is really hard for me.  I am always misunderstood by people because I do not know how to talk to people.  I am truly lazy and impatient I want things to happen now I don’t know how to wait for it.  I have to admit that the past year I have actually stuck with school this time around but I have two more years and I already feel the pressure I put on myself straining me.  I want some space but to be honest maybe I have too much space already.  When I am crazy busy I am happy and when I have so much down time I get really really depressed.  I do not know how to fix this depression.  I would go see my shrink but she costs me money and I just cannot afford it… I cannot afford anything at the moment but yet I spend money the second I get it……..  God I need some balance in my life and I just do not know how to obtain it.  The more I think about it the more depressed I get.  How do you change bad habits that have been a part of your entire life?????????????????????????????? 

Do you really have to run away from home to really get to know the person you want to be?  To move somewhere where you only have yourself to depend on really depend on and nothing is familiar to you.  That it is make it or not it is only up to you????How can I change? How do I know what I am currently doing is the right thing? How can I make myself better at what I am currently doing? How can I be more compassionate to others around me? How can one get organized? How can one get their depression eating under control? How can one not wear their emotions on their sleeve? How can I like myself more? HOW???? Thanks for letting me vent.

Multi-Faceted Soul

You scored -4 Extroversion, -3 Sensitivity, and 10 Openness!

In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don’t like to be alone a lot, but you don’t like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren’t “TOO” anything: You aren’t too shy, you aren’t too aggressive, you aren’t too extroverted, you aren’t too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn’t fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people’s tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms: Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 99% on Sensitivity

You scored higher than 99% on Openness

:(

For the last twenty something years I looked up to you Jen and I should have not looked up to you.  I should have known it was wrong when I hit about 12 but you were so ingrained into my life by that time that I just did not want to give up and at 12 you really do not see the things you do when you are almost 28.  You know she was always that person that you say Oh that is just so and so’s personality don’t take offense to it.  Shit I even said that to myself a couple million hundreds times ~ and what I finely saw was that by just saying it is no big deal that she treats you and others that way, you are telling her subconsciously that it is OK to treat people like dog duty.  As this person is a strong person and takes pride in not getting walked all over I felt that maybe she was losing respect for me because I did not know how to tell her off and say you know what you should not treat me like that or anyone else for that matter and just walk away from it but I dealt with it for 24 freaking years of my life.So many times I have asked myself if that makes me a spineless wuss….  I thought she was a best friend and someone that loved me for my flaws and everything.  But in the end neither one of us loved each other like we did when we were ten.  We were on two WAY different paths and we finely came to that fork in the road and I guess you could say that we both kicked each other to opposite paths.  I know in the last year of our friendship I might not have been at my best friend behavior but I was getting so sick and tired of being told that because I don’t want to go to the bar and made a big deal that she would not respect my wishes and not ask me to go when she did because I could never tell her no without a huge fight.  She did not want to open her eyes and see that I had a drinking problem just like she did.  Nope I was holier than now for not wanting to go and for telling her that I don’t like myself after a night out on the town with her and some others.  Then she was in need of a roof over her head because she could not make the rent after her boyfriend moved out.  So I thought give it one more try Heather reach out and try to help her. The first three weeks went great I had so much freaking fun. We hung out for quality time.  We cooked dinner together and watched movies together and just hung out.  It was like we were ten again but this time around we were smart ten year olds and had a lot of good shit to talk about.  And then all of sudden she is not talking to me, storming into the house and going straight up to her room and would only talk to me via text messaging or emails.  For example I guess I was being loud one morning getting ready to go to work and I got a text message saying Bitch could you be anymore fucking louder. (A) have not lived with anyone for four years forgot that walls were thin (B) was not doing it on purpose I was prolly running late or something and rushing (C) she could have just walked downstairs and explained to me that I was being really loud and I would have said God I am sorry I did not mean to wake you up.  I will try to be quieter next time.  But nope got that text messageI was starting to hate those messages so I texted back Yeah actually I can be louder see here listen.  Then slammed a few cabinet draws.  (I know real mature of me LMAO but I was done being mature with her).  To top it off I was hanging out with a guy that I thought was going somewhere and she met a couple of times but did not realize like every other fucking guy I meet they became best friends with her and started wanting nothing to do with me.  Well one night I was venting to him because who in their own house wants a person slamming the doors not talking if there was a problem she should have flat out confronted me.  Well I wrote him saying that she is not talking once again and that I am sick of it and that I rather him living with me then her.  Well, him being a boy decided to copy the one line that said I rather him living with me then her and sent it to her.  She did not confront me about this until about two months later.  Which the text messaging and emails got worse because she was stewing over that one liner.During that two months her boyfriend that moved out of their other house and forced her to move into my home in the first place was over every night and spending the night every night.  I told her that I signed up to help her out and not her and her boyfriend.  Well to make it short I am a selfish bitch because I did not want her boyfriend sleeping in “HER” bed.  Of course not because he was taking showers in “MY” shower, turning lights on in “MY” house, watching “MY” cable, using “MY” dishes, using ”MY” wash machine the list could go on forever.  She could not understand that a third shower, third load of laundry, more dishes all cost me money as I had her living with me almost rent free in my eyes.  Nope I was just jealous that he was in my house because she had a boyfriend and I did not. Well fuck you Jen.  I am so sick and tired of hearing that fucking line.  You just are saying that because you don’t have a boyfriend has been said to me at least two to three times a year.  Well you know what honey I rather be single then having to depend on a fucking male to make you feel good about yourself.  I rather be single then cheat on one because I was not real sure about wanting to be with him like YOU cheat on every single one of the guys you have dated including your fucking husband. Maybe you are the jealous because I can be HAPPPY alone.  Because I don’t need anyone to belittle, to make them feel like they are an inch tall, to fuck up their heads up and hate girls after I am done with them.Also, no matter what we were fighting over she always had to bring in the fact that my parents have money and her’s don’t.  Well, my parents cannot afford that.  Fuck you Jen my parent’s money has nothing to do with anything that we ever fight about.  I am sorry that you parents cannot help you out when you are in desperate need of it and mine can help me out.  You should be thankful they were able to help as they provided you with a fucking roof over your head, a room to rent at the condo, food in your belly whenever you were in need, gas in your truck whenever you were in need of it, you might have hated 7-11 gas but you sure the shit never declined a tank of gas did ya????  A patio set that might have been old but they GAVE it to you with love in their hearts and a hope that you could get some enjoyment out of it.  My parents treated you with respect and kindness and all you can do is throw it in their fucking face. How many times was I there with extra dollars for you if you needed it, how many times did I pick up the fucking bar tab or the dinning tabs???? Never really was equal and you told me that a best friend is suppose to give you their last five dollars instead of keeping it for themselves but that there are no real best friends out there because everyone is selfish.  Jen you never would give anyone your last five dollars.How many times did I jump your car, push your car to side of road, pick you up because of your car problems?  And compare the one and only time you helped me out all other times you did not pick up your phone but the second you needed something you were on the phone to ME.  Pretty sad that you knew you could count on me and I learned a very long time ago that I could never count on you for anything.Guys, you have to understand that she was not the only one at fault because I know that it takes two to tango in any kind of friendship/relationship but that I am just venting that she really really hurt me.

Just Five Minutes More Pretty Please

Wake up! Wake up!  No matter how many times I heard my alarms go off this morning all I wanted to do is crawl even deeper under my covers and block out everything.  Hit the alarm to off and just enjoy the comfort of my sweet bed. Today would be a perfect day to just stay at home and cuddle in bed with in my case my roommate’s Kitty Kat Cusack or to curl up on the couch and read a book from cover to cover; and to have the ability to just block out reality and dream for a day.  To get lost in that dream and to make my day whatever I want. That sounds so wonderful to me. 

I have no idea what I would dream about but I know that it would be something silly like winning the lottery and becoming debt free so when the mood strikes I could take that dream day off from work or dreaming about meeting that mister right (HAHAHA) ok just dreaming about that mister right now.    

Instead I am in reality and going to venture off at work today and do something very different then anything I have ever done and that is write Business Requirements.  So scary…..  I am shacking in my jeans.  Yes, I get to wear jeans to work woohoo! 

I have read example Business Requirements and all though I understand about 65% of what it is saying I am confused on how to write like the example. So writing is not my best subject never has been nor will it ever be .   

But if I can conquer software application test scripting then I can conquer anything.   

So, to all out there that can cuddle into their covers a bit longer today or read a book from cover to cover please please enjoy that time a bit more today and think about all of us that HAVE to be at work making the bills…. Yes I saying making the bills because I sure don’t make money to go on dream vacations or even dream day trips lol.   

This internship better pay off in the long run ~ 

Have a wonderful day whoever is out there reading my silly blogs… 

Heather

Hey There

Hi everyone!

 Just wanted to say hi ~