1/18/08

It is hard adjusting to late nights and early mornings when for the past two years I have been good and gone to bed at a decent time (9:30pm).  For this entire New Year I have not made it to bed before midnight and have to get up at 5am every morning. Now you ask me what has changed in my life from the past two years to present time.  Lets see a second job for starters and when I get home I am riled up that I need some time to calm down and get tired again so that I can actually fall asleep (.  And the second major thing is that I get wonderful late night conversations with Dan.  We have sort of a pattern and that is late night conversations or is in each other’s arms.  I like both of them. But men when you get that second job and a possible someone special in your life things start crumbling around me.  Like LAUNDRY I have no more time for it LOL.  Or house chores they just go down the waste receptacle.  Not complaining just trying to wrap my head around how much we change our patterns when someone new or something new happens to you…  I like what is happening to me just tired all the time LOL.  How long does it take teehee??????

Until my next rambling ~

Relationship Questions you Should Ask your Partner in Crime

Here are some Questions that everyone should ask their Partner in Crime ~ The lines in blue are my answers just so you know them ~ I feel like sharing today…

1. What would you do if you won $100,000.00 in the lottery?   I would pay off my debt and take maybe $5,000.00 for some fun getaway trips and the rest would go into a savings account to assure security for my future.
2. What’s your favorite Holiday? How does your family spend it?  Christmas is my favorite Holiday because it is time I get to spoil all of my family and play rummy with my mom and sister. Watch dad walk around the table and read all of our cards and than sneak advice to mom… It is good times for me. 
3. Do you believe in God? Yes and No.  I am not 100% sure what I believe in yet.  I do believe in the “Golden Rule” treats others the way you want them to treat you back.  I think honesty, loyalty and kindness go a very long way in life.
4. What’s your dream job? Where would you most like to live? At first I always wanted to be the stay at home mom and wife but as I get older I know that I would not stay busy enough that now I want to be in the IT field where I can mess and break stuff and enjoy the people around me and sure make some decent money but I think it is better for someone to do something that they love doing no matter the annual salary than do something they hate and make a lot of money.  Ideally if I do ever have kids I would like to be able to stay at home for the first year and than go back to work I think.  You change and grow everyday that your ideal world changes and grows with you daily.
5. What was your dad’s work schedule like? My father worked from Dawn to Dusk and on weekends, holidays.  He owns his own construction company and it has taught me that anything worth while is not a piece pie you work until you get it right with not only your job but your home life as well.
6. How do you envision your life in 5 years? I envision myself with a career my BS degree in IT and financially secure and hopefully sharing my life with someone that appreciates me for who I am.
7. What do you think of spanking your children for punishment? I was not spanked enough as a child.  I think that if you use spanking properly that it is ok.  Just depends on the situation.
8. What do your parent’s like to drink? They like a lot of things, like water, wine, coke, sprite, Dr. Pepper, Smoothies, they are not drunks if that is what you are asking me ~
9. How have your parents reacted to your previous girlfriends/boyfriends? Let’s see the last guy I brought home to the family was in 2003 and mom thought he was nice enough and dad thought he was a lazy you know what.  Sister was in Saint Thomas so she did not get to meet him.
10. What was your relationship with your mother/father like? I am close with both of my parents.  No matter how much I call my dad a jerk I have respect for him and I understand him and I know that he thinks he is showing his love for us etc… My mom is my best friend but yet she is my mother she does not know ALL ~ I am a big girl I can make my own descions on how to live my life but I do respect my parents that if it is a major life change I will get their thoughts and digest it and ponder it and than go with what I want.
11. And last but not least if you are not comfortable asking these questions for fear of the answers or an argument than Dump them right now!  Just kidding but it sure should tell you something don’t you think???? Going to ask him these questions the next time I talk to him ~

Hope you enjoy these questions I got them off an online site somewhere and agreed that everyone that is considering a life time with their partner in crime should ask each other these important questions. 

Revealing

I have this wall or barrier that is protecting my heart for so long that I don’t know how to just let loose and let people in.  I have been stung by people in the past and the more I got stung the taller and thicker the barrier got.  It has been a very long time that I have opened up and shared my inner thoughts with someone that could hold the key to my heart that I forget how stressful it can be.  See it has been a long time since I have met someone that I wanted to break down the barrier of my heart and let them see it all. Just bare it out there and go for the ride. I have forgotten how.  Hanging out with Dan has showed me that it is ok to be my goofy plain old self and just to let lose.  He gets my humor; he is soooo sweet, kind and hopefully loyal.  I know that we have only been hanging out for two weeks but I think I could let myself get lost in him but in a good way. He would still allow me to be me and to not stray from what I am accomplishing in my life just to appease him.  But he has mentioned a couple of times that he is not the commitment type of guy and my instincts are telling me to ride it out and hope for the best but my heart is saying run and run fast.  You don’t have time in your life to get hurt.  And honestly I do not know if I could take another rejection whether it is mutual or not it still feels like rejection.  This man gets my jokes and my humor and he actually laughs at them with me.  I surprise him and oh boy does he surprise me.  I tend to smother the ones I love and I don’t want to fuck it up before it ever begins.  Been told many times that is my problem but I cannot help that he is ALWAYS on my mind and the thought of being in his arms just thrills me to no end.  I was never one for cuddling or falling asleep in ones arms but to feel his weight pressed up against me makes me feel so safe and not claustrophobic.  I have always put the sexual needs and wants first before the intellect and emotional needs.  With Dan it is like a package all wrapped into one huge Christmas present waiting to be unwrapped multiple times.  For once it is not all about the SEX and it is all about getting to know him and his wants and likes and dislikes.  I actually take time to learn about him and to study him and listen for flocculation’s in his voice and will tune me into what he wants.  I know two weeks come on Heather get a clue but if anything I am good at reading body language spoken and unspoken. I want this to work out and I know that is already way too much to ask for so early in the game but this is how I feel and it is safe to post it on here as only a select few who know me know about it.  Well ok like only two people lol.  But here is the thing I am so scared to let it all hang out but I am in fear if I don’t let it than I might lose someone that could be that special someone.  He might just be that gem that I have been searching for all my life.  In the past I have felt the same how can I trust myself another time to allow myself to hurt.  I don’t want to get hurt and I understand that in order for anything grand to happen you have to give more of yourself than you’re willing but how far do I go??? God I hate being a girl sometimes.  Why are we like the way we are??????Heather   

Oh Lalala did I blush

When I bought my house in 2001 it took me a whole year to run into my neighbor who is attached to the other half of my duplex.  For the longest time I thought he really did not exist and that it was my imagination that he lived in the other half.  But we finely bumped into one another at our mail boxes of all places.

 Between then and now I have talked to him a couple of times as he really keeps to himself and I always thought of him as more of a hermit then myself.  I know can you believe it someone that is more of a hermit then ME… How dare they that is my title LOL ~ December 30th, 2007 will always be in my memory.  That day will represent the “Neighbor Guy”.  It just makes me smile all over thinking about it. So I meet my current roommate up at Old C’s for a couple of beers and there was a drunk older man to my right and another man sitting on my right next to me and Sara to my left so I did not pay any attention what-so-ever to anyone on my right until the man I was sitting close to, was paying for his tab and low and behold it is my neighbor guy Dan!  For over an hour I was sitting next to my hermit and never even knew it.  Well so it was close to my birthday 12/31 so I made Sara poor girl and Dan go to Silver Bullet where I go and get toasted WOOHOO…. Sara had to drive my drunken ass home.  That was sweet.  Man o Man do I need to clean my car well anyways long story made short ok well somewhat short I got KISSED and some other things.  Dan did things to me that I have not had done in over 4 years.  Holly COW!!! I sure do have a hot neighbor and to make it even better he came over last night and cuddled with me and told me such sweet things.  I no longer think of him just as a hermit I think of him as MY HERMIT…..  Phew… That man has a set of lips that are sweet and luscious…. 

To be continued…. 

Maybe I will have some juicy details to share one day….

Dumping Ground

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through the life you call yours?  I mean sure you’re going to school for education trying to find that career you fit just right into or just trying to find your true self.  Or that no matter what you do you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, compassionate enough?  When you think you are on the right path half way in the middle you start second guessing your decisions?  Do we do this because we are afraid of actually accomplishing something?  To accomplish something does that mean we are stuck in that role forever?  Isn’t the same thing as just doing nothing with yourself? How is it some people just know what they want to do with their lives while others just float through it? I am worried that I will not be good enough to do what I am trying to accomplish and I am starting to have doubts about my intelligence.  I have never felt passion in my life true passion.  Nothing pulls at me, speaks to me, and makes me have tingles in my belly.  Fuck I barely have a passion for life anymore.  It is sometimes soooo hard to be me.  I often wonder how it would to be someone else.  To live in their shoes for one day would it be better or just like mine. 

I am a hermit by nature or it might be by nurture either way I like to be alone and I do not like being the center of attention.  Even though I am this person that likes to be alone I also want companionship.  I know call me a fickle girl I know I am.  My close friend calls me for EVERYTHING and sometimes it is nice but other times it just wears me down.  But then I remember if it was not for her I would not have gotten through the hard times in my life.  Friends are good to have and I know I need to branch out and get some more but the making friends is really hard for me.  I am always misunderstood by people because I do not know how to talk to people.  I am truly lazy and impatient I want things to happen now I don’t know how to wait for it.  I have to admit that the past year I have actually stuck with school this time around but I have two more years and I already feel the pressure I put on myself straining me.  I want some space but to be honest maybe I have too much space already.  When I am crazy busy I am happy and when I have so much down time I get really really depressed.  I do not know how to fix this depression.  I would go see my shrink but she costs me money and I just cannot afford it… I cannot afford anything at the moment but yet I spend money the second I get it……..  God I need some balance in my life and I just do not know how to obtain it.  The more I think about it the more depressed I get.  How do you change bad habits that have been a part of your entire life?????????????????????????????? 

Do you really have to run away from home to really get to know the person you want to be?  To move somewhere where you only have yourself to depend on really depend on and nothing is familiar to you.  That it is make it or not it is only up to you????How can I change? How do I know what I am currently doing is the right thing? How can I make myself better at what I am currently doing? How can I be more compassionate to others around me? How can one get organized? How can one get their depression eating under control? How can one not wear their emotions on their sleeve? How can I like myself more? HOW???? Thanks for letting me vent.

Multi-Faceted Soul

You scored -4 Extroversion, -3 Sensitivity, and 10 Openness!

In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don’t like to be alone a lot, but you don’t like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren’t “TOO” anything: You aren’t too shy, you aren’t too aggressive, you aren’t too extroverted, you aren’t too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn’t fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people’s tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms: Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 99% on Sensitivity

You scored higher than 99% on Openness

:(

For the last twenty something years I looked up to you Jen and I should have not looked up to you.  I should have known it was wrong when I hit about 12 but you were so ingrained into my life by that time that I just did not want to give up and at 12 you really do not see the things you do when you are almost 28.  You know she was always that person that you say Oh that is just so and so’s personality don’t take offense to it.  Shit I even said that to myself a couple million hundreds times ~ and what I finely saw was that by just saying it is no big deal that she treats you and others that way, you are telling her subconsciously that it is OK to treat people like dog duty.  As this person is a strong person and takes pride in not getting walked all over I felt that maybe she was losing respect for me because I did not know how to tell her off and say you know what you should not treat me like that or anyone else for that matter and just walk away from it but I dealt with it for 24 freaking years of my life.So many times I have asked myself if that makes me a spineless wuss….  I thought she was a best friend and someone that loved me for my flaws and everything.  But in the end neither one of us loved each other like we did when we were ten.  We were on two WAY different paths and we finely came to that fork in the road and I guess you could say that we both kicked each other to opposite paths.  I know in the last year of our friendship I might not have been at my best friend behavior but I was getting so sick and tired of being told that because I don’t want to go to the bar and made a big deal that she would not respect my wishes and not ask me to go when she did because I could never tell her no without a huge fight.  She did not want to open her eyes and see that I had a drinking problem just like she did.  Nope I was holier than now for not wanting to go and for telling her that I don’t like myself after a night out on the town with her and some others.  Then she was in need of a roof over her head because she could not make the rent after her boyfriend moved out.  So I thought give it one more try Heather reach out and try to help her. The first three weeks went great I had so much freaking fun. We hung out for quality time.  We cooked dinner together and watched movies together and just hung out.  It was like we were ten again but this time around we were smart ten year olds and had a lot of good shit to talk about.  And then all of sudden she is not talking to me, storming into the house and going straight up to her room and would only talk to me via text messaging or emails.  For example I guess I was being loud one morning getting ready to go to work and I got a text message saying Bitch could you be anymore fucking louder. (A) have not lived with anyone for four years forgot that walls were thin (B) was not doing it on purpose I was prolly running late or something and rushing (C) she could have just walked downstairs and explained to me that I was being really loud and I would have said God I am sorry I did not mean to wake you up.  I will try to be quieter next time.  But nope got that text messageI was starting to hate those messages so I texted back Yeah actually I can be louder see here listen.  Then slammed a few cabinet draws.  (I know real mature of me LMAO but I was done being mature with her).  To top it off I was hanging out with a guy that I thought was going somewhere and she met a couple of times but did not realize like every other fucking guy I meet they became best friends with her and started wanting nothing to do with me.  Well one night I was venting to him because who in their own house wants a person slamming the doors not talking if there was a problem she should have flat out confronted me.  Well I wrote him saying that she is not talking once again and that I am sick of it and that I rather him living with me then her.  Well, him being a boy decided to copy the one line that said I rather him living with me then her and sent it to her.  She did not confront me about this until about two months later.  Which the text messaging and emails got worse because she was stewing over that one liner.During that two months her boyfriend that moved out of their other house and forced her to move into my home in the first place was over every night and spending the night every night.  I told her that I signed up to help her out and not her and her boyfriend.  Well to make it short I am a selfish bitch because I did not want her boyfriend sleeping in “HER” bed.  Of course not because he was taking showers in “MY” shower, turning lights on in “MY” house, watching “MY” cable, using “MY” dishes, using ”MY” wash machine the list could go on forever.  She could not understand that a third shower, third load of laundry, more dishes all cost me money as I had her living with me almost rent free in my eyes.  Nope I was just jealous that he was in my house because she had a boyfriend and I did not. Well fuck you Jen.  I am so sick and tired of hearing that fucking line.  You just are saying that because you don’t have a boyfriend has been said to me at least two to three times a year.  Well you know what honey I rather be single then having to depend on a fucking male to make you feel good about yourself.  I rather be single then cheat on one because I was not real sure about wanting to be with him like YOU cheat on every single one of the guys you have dated including your fucking husband. Maybe you are the jealous because I can be HAPPPY alone.  Because I don’t need anyone to belittle, to make them feel like they are an inch tall, to fuck up their heads up and hate girls after I am done with them.Also, no matter what we were fighting over she always had to bring in the fact that my parents have money and her’s don’t.  Well, my parents cannot afford that.  Fuck you Jen my parent’s money has nothing to do with anything that we ever fight about.  I am sorry that you parents cannot help you out when you are in desperate need of it and mine can help me out.  You should be thankful they were able to help as they provided you with a fucking roof over your head, a room to rent at the condo, food in your belly whenever you were in need, gas in your truck whenever you were in need of it, you might have hated 7-11 gas but you sure the shit never declined a tank of gas did ya????  A patio set that might have been old but they GAVE it to you with love in their hearts and a hope that you could get some enjoyment out of it.  My parents treated you with respect and kindness and all you can do is throw it in their fucking face. How many times was I there with extra dollars for you if you needed it, how many times did I pick up the fucking bar tab or the dinning tabs???? Never really was equal and you told me that a best friend is suppose to give you their last five dollars instead of keeping it for themselves but that there are no real best friends out there because everyone is selfish.  Jen you never would give anyone your last five dollars.How many times did I jump your car, push your car to side of road, pick you up because of your car problems?  And compare the one and only time you helped me out all other times you did not pick up your phone but the second you needed something you were on the phone to ME.  Pretty sad that you knew you could count on me and I learned a very long time ago that I could never count on you for anything.Guys, you have to understand that she was not the only one at fault because I know that it takes two to tango in any kind of friendship/relationship but that I am just venting that she really really hurt me.

Just Five Minutes More Pretty Please

Wake up! Wake up!  No matter how many times I heard my alarms go off this morning all I wanted to do is crawl even deeper under my covers and block out everything.  Hit the alarm to off and just enjoy the comfort of my sweet bed. Today would be a perfect day to just stay at home and cuddle in bed with in my case my roommate’s Kitty Kat Cusack or to curl up on the couch and read a book from cover to cover; and to have the ability to just block out reality and dream for a day.  To get lost in that dream and to make my day whatever I want. That sounds so wonderful to me. 

I have no idea what I would dream about but I know that it would be something silly like winning the lottery and becoming debt free so when the mood strikes I could take that dream day off from work or dreaming about meeting that mister right (HAHAHA) ok just dreaming about that mister right now.    

Instead I am in reality and going to venture off at work today and do something very different then anything I have ever done and that is write Business Requirements.  So scary…..  I am shacking in my jeans.  Yes, I get to wear jeans to work woohoo! 

I have read example Business Requirements and all though I understand about 65% of what it is saying I am confused on how to write like the example. So writing is not my best subject never has been nor will it ever be .   

But if I can conquer software application test scripting then I can conquer anything.   

So, to all out there that can cuddle into their covers a bit longer today or read a book from cover to cover please please enjoy that time a bit more today and think about all of us that HAVE to be at work making the bills…. Yes I saying making the bills because I sure don’t make money to go on dream vacations or even dream day trips lol.   

This internship better pay off in the long run ~ 

Have a wonderful day whoever is out there reading my silly blogs… 

Heather

Hey There

Hi everyone!

 Just wanted to say hi ~